I don't look good in green.

After connecting with a guy I knew (envied) in high school, Andy Farkas, I realized that my life could have been incredibly different.

Being confronted with the idea that I could have made choices that would have lead to more success as an artist only makes me think that I what I have now somehow pales in comparison.

But, would I have been happy in that life? Would I have stayed mediocre, only to be more obviously and continually confronted with artists who were "better"? I have been plagued with mediocrity my whole life--I can do a lot of things "okay", but nothing really well. I'm a mediocre artist, musician, writer, cook, parent, wife...and one look at Andy's work made that all the more obvious. If I had chosen to follow another path, I wouldn't have the husband and child I have now. Part of me wants to break away, start over, and see what would have become of me, and the rest of me wants to figure out where this course will take me.

I'm very depressed.